Triangle: the Shape of Love
by TwinzLover
Summary: A heart it just a creative triangle. Lily never liked the meddlesome Marauders. But times are changing, the war is growing, and sides are being chosen. The one thing no one can choose in this mess: Who do I love again? Multipair not all M/F. M for later.
1. Chapter 1

**I have decided that despite my lack of updating on my other stories, I should once again start another story. I have taken it upon myself to write the best love triangle ever! Not to be too forward, but this could result in the best manage e' tui ever...**

**Chapter One: The Pursuit.**

* * *

The trip to Hogwarts had barely changed since their first trip. Sirius Black sat by the window looking lost as he stared at the scenery that passed. Remus Lupin, trying his best to ignore the head ache reading in a moving vehicle caused him, turning the pages of a worn out book, too enthralled to stop. Peter Pettigrew napping, a copy of the Daily Prophet lying across his slowly rising chest.

"POTTER!"

And of course, James Potter, pushing Lily Evans' buttons till she exploded. The nitwit himself came barreling into the compartment laughing his arse off, followed by an enraged Lily, her face matching her hair.

"You insufferable toe-rag! Didn't your mother even _try_ to train you, you arrogant mutt? I've had it with your antics Potter! Leave. Me. Alone!" She finished starting to storm off, before turning back and throwing a curse James' way. Feeling satisfied with the boils on his not-that-hot face, she smirked. "That's for the first years you prat." With that she turned on her heel and left.

"Gee, thanks for the back up." James pouted at his friends.

"Well, first years is pushing it a bit mate." Remus offered lamely.

"Oh poo Moony you're no fun. Sirius would have gotten a kick out of it, wouldn't you Pads?" He looked hopefully at his best friend.

"Actually, I think it's sort of cruel to scare them so soon, just to get a reaction out of Li-Evans." He didn't even look up from the window. James frowned. Realizing the motion caused him pain he looked pleadingly at Remus, who sighed pulling out his wand.

"What has gotten into you?" James grimaced at his friend. "Aren't we Padfoot and Prongs, best friends, heart throbs and heart stoppers, dynamic duo of pranks and girls?" He replied with a well placed raised eyebrow, which quickly fell. "Padfoot you have not answered and frankly I'm worried! Do you have a fever? Maybe you should lie down." He patted his lap. "Come lay your head on my lap you poor sick fool you." James offered looking quite serious.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I'm fine you tosser! I just think you should leave firsties out of your non-existent, completely in your head, one sided, mostly with your han-" "We get it!" "Love life." Sirius finished with his trade mark smirk. "I mean, seeing you look doe eyed at her is hard enough on them."

"Not to mention everyone else." Remus teased.

"I do not look at her doe eyed." James grumbled. "I look at her stag eyed." He said cheekily. The rest of his friends groaned.

"Hey! Stag jokes are hard to come by! Come on let me have them when they come! Sirius gets to have all the good dog ones, _and _the serious/Sirius ones!" James whined.

"That's because I own it." Sirius replied with a flip of his over grown hair. The rest of the group gave him a pointed look. "What?" He exclaimed. They all doubled over laughing, before continuing into conversations about Quidditch, girls, and the up coming exams.

"Well, I'm just glad OWLs are over, all that studying nearly put Moony in a coma!" Sirius quipped. Remus rolled his eyes before snickering.

"Not as bad as the two of you the week before when you realized you hadn't studied at all." Peter and Remus burst into fits of laughter at the memory of James and Sirius reading seven books at once (each), getting caught between taking notes and casting spells.

"Well, the point is it's over." Sirius finished.

"Speaking of over, we better get ready to leave, we should be there soon." James acknowledged, looking out the window.

"Thank Merlin, I'm starving!" Sirius exclaimed, hastily making sure he was in order as the train came to a stop in Hogsmeade Station.

As they piled off the train, Sirius couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic, as he always did on the first day home. Ever sense the end of his first year, Sirius had secretly thought of all of Hogwarts (minus Slytherins) as his home and family, and every year it got truer and truer. It was nice having the security of his year. Growing up with a group of children, all knowing they would rejoin again, it was like having cousins his own age (who he didn't despise). In his first year, many teachers weren't very kind to him, even before he started pranking, but now he was on secretly great terms with all his professors, even having tea in their offices sometimes just to have a chat. Dumbledore, the old coot, he was like some sort of father/grandfather type figure that was the center of the giant family. And then there was Hogwarts. Where he was well fed, and punishment meant writing lines. Where there was an adventure in every corridor, and a passage way behind every portrait. Yes, every year this place felt more and more like home to Sirius Black.

"Come on Pads, we better grab a carriage." James nodded to the horseless carriages. As their group of four scurried towards the carriages, Sirius thought he glimpsed some red and sighed, James would undoubtedly have seen it too. He really didn't want to have to watch the two. No such luck was found when the four Marauders climbed into a carriage which "coincidentally" had a beautiful, red headed, prefect reading a book inside it.

"Why hello Lily Flower! Didn't expect to see you in this carriage." James said smirking, drawing out the 'hello' in a very annoying fashion, which did not go unnoticed by Lily. When it looked like Lily was about to retort with something nasty, Sirius cut in.

"Hello Lily, how was your summer?" He asked with a smile. Not a smirk. Lily looked taken aback for moment, before she opened her mouth. It seemed she couldn't decide who to answer. Sirius let out a breath when she took the high road and replied:

"Hello Sirius, my summer was lovely thanks, how was yours?" She asked politely.

"Nothing big, mostly just played quidditch at James', hung out by his pool a bit as well. Did you do anything exciting by chance?" He liked this.

"Actually I did! Me, my sister, my cousins, and my mum and dad all went to America to see the Beatles play in San Fransisco. It was loads of fun, though at the air port, I couldn't help thinking it would be easier to floo." She spoke animatedly, clearly it had been fun. This is nice. It was different, but he already knew this year would be like that.

"Wow! That sounds amazing! I saw them last year in London, but it must have been amazing in San Fransisco." She beamed.

"You listen to the Beatles?" She raised an eyebrow, before answering his question. "And yes, it was bloody fantastic!" She grinned, then blushed. "Pardon." Sirius laughed at her good manners. Realizing who her company was, she laughed too. It was a great sound. James' eyes went wide, and his jaw went slack.

"To answer your question, you potty mouth, I love the Beatles, though I am more partial to the Who." He said cheekily, making her roll her eyes. Not the same way as usual, James noted.

"Wow, the Sirius Pureblood Black likes muggle music." Lily teased, unknowing of the way the comment made Sirius' insides squirm in discomfort. Steering the attention to the place he should have all along, Sirius passed the conversation to James.

"Well, I'm not the only pureblood in this carriage that likes muggle music, am I James." James seemed to come out of a revere as he blinked twice at Lily before turning to Sirius, who looked at him pointedly, and then back to Lily.

"Uh, right. Right. I'm actually quite the devoted Queen fan myself. Though Bowie is also quite groovy." James replied thoughtfully.

"Oh I love Bowie, he is so talented." Lily gushed, and before either of them could realize it, James and Lily were having a pleasant conversation. This continued for the rest of the carriage ride, and the topics ranged from music, to technology versus magic, to one-two-three favorite.

"Somebody to Love." "Bohemian Rhapsody." They said at the same time.

"Are you kidding?" James asked. "The talent that was put into Bohemian Rhapsody was far superior to Somebody to Love."

"In technical terms sure, but the essence of Somebody to Love could bring you to tears!" Lily argued.

"I hate to cut this short, but we have arrived, and I advise we get a move on before the Sorting starts." Remus interrupted. They all climbed out quickly, grabbing their luggage, and walking into the castle. Sirius walked beside Lily, who was walking slower than the group of hungry boys.

"Here, let me take that for you." Sirius offered.

"Oh no, you have your own stuff to worry about." Lily politely refused.

"Oh come on, I can see you have over stuffed it, and I am twice as physically strong as you." He applied to her reason.

"Well, if you insist." She handed over her luggage.

"By the way, I agree with you about the Somebody to Love song." He said, idly sparking conversation.

"Really? It's your favorite?" She asked surprised.

"No my favorite is Killer Queen, but in the instance of yours and James' favorites, I like a song with a story."

"Bohemian Rhapsody is all story." She said bluntly. He laughed.

"I like a little more mystery."

"Oh I'm not surprised, after all, you and your group of self proclaimed Gods, are also self named the Marauders."

"Self proclaimed?" He gasped in mock horror. "Hello, I was written in the stars." He said as if it were obvious. Lily giggled, she couldn't help it.

"Ah finally, the drop off. Hello there Filch my good man." Filch sneered at him as he put the luggage down.

"Sit with us at dinner?" Sirius asked. "We can talk more about that concert you went to." He grinned as her face lit up.

"Sure." She smiled.

* * *

"I can't believe you did this for me Pads, I owe you a million!" James squealed, as Lily made her way to their spot.

"No problem mate." Sirius whispered. "Lily!" He exclaimed much louder. "Lovely of you to join us." He winked at her. She laughed.

"Well, you did invite me." She rolled her eyes. Different, James thought again. This whole day was different. It had started out so similar, but things were changing after all. For the better, he grinned as she sat down directly across from him. After it seemed apparent that James was content to simply stare at Lily, Sirius nudged him and whispered, "Ask her something about herself!" While Lily was talking to Remus about prefect duties.

"Right. So, um Lily, what classes are you going to take this year?" He tried something Lily-ish.

"Don't know yet, I got all Os in everything except Divination, so I can pretty much do whatever." She shrugged.

"Well, what did you discuss with McGonagall during the career meetings? I mean, what do you want to do after Hogwarts." Sirius couldn't help but ask. Lily blushed and looked down to her soup.

"I hadn't really thought about it much," She shrugged stirring the soup with a small spoon. "McGonagall told me my grades were good enough I could do whatever I chose, so I didn't narrow down much last year." She blushed. It was embarrassing to be top in the class and not know what you planned to do with the knowledge. "What about you lot?" She asked, smile returning.

"Aurors." Sirius and James replied automatically.

"Really?" Lily asked in surprise, before nodding her head. "I guess I shouldn't surprised." That made both boys smile.

"What about you Rem?" She asked.

"I want to be a healer." He blushed. It was usually a female career choice, but the young werewolf couldn't help but be fascinated by it.

"That's interesting work! I bet you'd be great at it." She smiled. He grinned back at her.

"What about you Pete?" Remus asked.

"Oh, um, maybe something Ministry related." He said off-hand-ish-ly.

Lily and Remus struck up conversation about healing, and the classes and stages it took to become a full fledged healer. Meanwhile James and Sirius were whispering to each other in a conspirator sort of way.

"At this rate Lily will be my girl by the end of term! How you did this I don't know, but thanks so much! You are the best, best friend ever." James grinned.

"Don't be overly confident, she hates that." Sirius warned.

"She secretly loves it, just like all the other girls we flirt with." James waved him off, but he was less pigheaded the rest of the night. "Mate, do you think she'll be my girl by the time of the Valentines Masquerade ball?" He asked hopefully.

"She might not be your girl." Sirius said, but quickly recovered with, "by then."

"We'll see." James said with a determined, but definitely lopsided, grin. Sirius was gonna say more, but the Sorting was starting.

* * *

After the Sorting, the Speech, and a delicious meal, the Marauders made their way to the common room, stumbling through the portrait hole as they laughed sleepily. Climbing the stair case to the 6th year boys dorm was tiring, but they finally made it to the room. Each fell onto his bed as soon as it was within reach. Sirius the last to fall, as his bed was the one farthest away, back by the window. He stared at the stars for a few minutes, wondering what the year would bring, before he lay his head on the pillow, and fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

**I feel guilty, having written 2460 words on a new story, when I have 8 other stories that need working on! That's how it always is for me, I get a new interest in a new idea, and then I have to make a new story for it, which then ends up with the rest of them: Barely updated and never complete (unless it's a one shot obviously.) Well, here's hoping this turns our better...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow, I'm actually kind of feeling this story! I really want it to do well, because the MWPP Hogwarts era is a personal favorite, and I want this to be respected in the category =) Obviously this chapter is for M-x-M, and prisonerofaskaban1497 because you are the only people waiting for it...So here it is. I hope the title is catchy enough.  
**

**Chapter 2: 2nd to One.**

* * *

Sirius was acting weird. James looked at him studiously, in a grand fashion, which just made Sirius give him weirder looks. He couldn't quite place it, but James knew his best mate well enough to tell when something was amiss. He followed the young Black around the entire school, which resulted in no findings, other than Sirius likes his breakfast toast with jam, and his tea toast with marmalade.

"What is up with you Prongs?" Sirius bit out finally after all the odd looks, and stalking.

"I could ask you the same thing." James gave him a worried frown. "What's up with you lately? You've been acting really strange. You haven't had a girl since we got here, and usually you have at least one on the train to start! Besides that, you've been studying, haven't picked on Slytherins, and mostly you've been looking really forlorn."

"Didn't know you knew what that meant." Sirius said bitterly. James looked hurt, but shook it off quickly.

"Fine, don't talk to your best mate about it, keep it bottled up, but as you've learned today, you can't hide from me." He smirked.

"Because we have all the same classes and free periods together?" Sirius asked raising an eyebrow, a smirk of his own blossoming on his face.

"Precisely." James grinned. Sirius sighed and rolled his eyes.

"I'll try to look less forlorn, okay?" Sirius replied.

"Good, I miss my usual Pads." James smiled and nodded his approval. The two laughed and walked off to dinner, both with smiles on their faces.

* * *

**(Lily POV)**

"Lily!" I snapped my head up.

"Huh?" I replied stupidly. I could hit myself right now. I needed to stop thinking worthless thoughts, and focus on my school work!

"Lily, please keep it together, if we don't get these revisions done, we can't start on our Potions assignment, and we have to start it today!" Alice groaned.

"Right, right, sorry, let's continue." I hated study group sometimes. I sighed. It was important for my grades though. Study group was especially important now that I was starting my NEWT classes. I couldn't help but wish that I had Sev to help. We used to be our own study group, sense that's what we were good at. All we needed was each other, and that was good, because it was all we had. Now I'm in a study group with Mary MacDonald, and Alice Prewette. They were both smart girls, but they weren't Sev. I needed to forget about him. So I kept focusing on the work in front of me, only partially succeeding in not thinking about other things.

By the time we had finished with all our work it was nearly 7:00 p.m. I couldn't help but think me and Sev would have finished it sooner. Me and Snape. I had to keep reminding myself that he wasn't Sev any more, he was Slytherin Snape, Snivellous. That's what_ they_ called him. The Marauders. I hated them. It was their fault really. If they hadn't made the Slytherin vs. Gryffindor war such a big deal, then me and Sev would still be friends, house rivalry would be as meaningless as Quidditch. Those stupid Marauders, they had tortured him so much! I really missed him.

As I walked into the Great Hall, I couldn't help but feel Sev's glare. I always did now. Feeling the glare, and the left over feelings from earlier, I couldn't help but turn the same glare on the Marauders. I saw James go pale, and surprisingly felt guilty. I shook that off; it was their fault. I told myself firmly. I sat down just as firmly, far away from them. I began to load my plate with vegetables and Shepard's pie, when I felt it. A strong warm hand on my shoulder.

"Lily?"

"What do _you_ want, _Black_?" I replied coldly, emphasizing his last name. I saw him go momentarily pale, he looked surprised, if not a little hurt. He sucked in a sharp breath, before his face became a mask. I felt bad, but not bad enough, not today.

"Never mind. I thought something might be up, but your just as prickly as ever, so I guess you're still a friendless, perfect prefect, bitch. You know, normal?" He sneered. I couldn't believe he had swung so close to home, that wasn't like him, he usually made a joke, that comment was just cruel. I stood abruptly, my hand raising to slap him, but the tears were building all too fast, so I sucked in a breath, turned around, and ran. Some Gryffindor I am.

* * *

**(Sirius POV)**

She should have hit me. I wanted her to. I had just come to see how she was, and now I had landed the Marauders, and most important, James, back to square one with her. I hadn't meant to be so cruel, but the way she said my last name had hurt. I didn't think she was one to judge people, her and Snivellous had been best friends for so long after all, and he was a Slytherin. Of course she hates me though. I thought with a grimace. I had seen the looks of people who had lost loved ones during the war, I wasn't stupid, I read the Daily Profit, and I saw the names of the killed and the killers alike. She should be afraid of me, I was the product of two evil people, the cousin of many Death Eaters, I was pureblood. She was muggleborn, it wasn't a shock that she would hate me. It still hurt though. Like a thousand knifes in my chest. I had always secretly hoped that James and Lily would be together, so I could spend more time with her, her kind eyes filled with understanding. I should have known I could never have that, I'm a Black after all. The Sorting Hat obviously made a mistake. Some Gryffindor I am.

* * *

Luckily, James came up to him seconds later and distracted Sirius with his infamous Lily talk. Wow that boy could drone. Oddly enough though, Sirius actually started listening to what James was saying. He found he liked what James was telling him. He even contributed, eagerly one might say. It was fun to talk about Lily. How nice she was. How purely Gryffindor. The way she took her prefect duties so seriously, but still let off the occasional first year out after hours. About how pretty she was, and how cute she looked in winter when her nose matched her hair. How they all liked the same music. How she couldn't fly to save her life, but cheered the loudest at Gryffindor games. How she belonged with James and just hadn't seen it yet. Did she though? Did she belong with James? Yes, of course she did, he chastised himself for even_ thinking_ about thinking otherwise.

Lily and James are soul mates. He told himself. _One day they will get married, I will be best man, and I will give a really embarrassing speech._ He grinned at that thought. James was his best mate, he deserved the love of his life. Still, Sirius couldn't help but picture himself next to James at the alter sucking in a breath at the sight of Lily walking down the aisle in all her Gryffindor glory, and wondered if he could really let her go to his best mate.

Sirius internally slapped himself. Where was this coming from? He didn't like Li-EVANS! He shook himself, and James stopped talking. There it was again, that odd behavior.

"You alright mate?" The look on James' face was so concerned, Sirius couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"For Merlin's sake James, are you ever going to calm down? I'm fine, I'm just tired, you know how the first month is." Sirius shook his head in mock shame. "I'm surprised at your blatant display of energy quite frankly. We are supposed to be cool and collected, and all you can do is blabber on excitedly." Sirius tsked.

"That's only because he's talking about Lily, you know how he goes into Lily Land without even realizing." Remus laughed. And that sent James right back, much to Sirius' dismay. He didn't need to be reminded of all of Lily's good qualities or habits, he knew them all by heart. They had mostly the same classes, and of course they shared a common room. Classes had been going for nearly four weeks now, and as they got closer to October he began to realize how much he noticed about her. How excited she got when she got something right on the first try. How she wouldn't look at anything but her potion during class because she was so focused. How she got really distracted right before lunch (he supposed it was because she was hungry). He wished he had taken Arithmacy, because he bet she looked very focused, with her nose scrunched up, her eyebrows furrowed, and her mouth in the most adorable pout. Some times he would see her nibble her lip when she was confused.

"I have to go." Sirius suddenly blurted.

"What? Why? Where are you going?" James asked confused.

"I have a date with a hot blonde." He lied.

"No you don't." James, who had been fallowing him recently, looked adorably distraught, until Sirius smirked.

"I know, I forgot to make one, best make up for lost times! See you gents later!" He waved as he walked back the way they'd come, towards the Great Hall, but caught himself short and took a left going for a staircase instead. He needed a hot bath, and maybe that blonde with him. Sirius let out a groan before he made his way to the Hufflepuff common room entrance. A blonde prefect in those big baths was just what he needed.

* * *

Lily couldn't believe herself. She had run away from a confrontation. She had coward and ran. She felt deeply ashamed of her actions towards Sirius, and inexplicably hurt by Sirius's words. She tried to shake it off, it wasn't the first time one of the Marauders said something mean to her. It wasn't even the first time Sirius had. In fact it was usually him, always there to come to Potter's defense, telling her to 'get the stick out of her arse' and to 'give James a go'. It shouldn't bother her that prat had said something mean. But it did. It really really bothered her.

_Maybe it's because you started it._ A little voice in the back of her head couldn't help whispering.

She hadn't started it had she? She was just acting how she usually would towards a Marauder, how she_ should_ act given their history. _He_ was the one who had been so cruel with his words, making her feel bad about herself, and guilty over nothing.

_He was trying to be nice. When he first approached he was being nice._ That stupid voice reminded her.

He was being nice, wasn't he? He used her first name, he sounded concerned. _I thought something might be up..._ That's what he'd said. He was just trying to see what was wrong. He was just being a good friend. To someone who wasn't even his friend! To someone who had been so cold... Lily shook herself, trying to clear her head. She needed a hot bath. Yes, a prefects bath with tons of bubbles and a good book. That's what she needed.

* * *

Finding the Hufflepuff prefect hadn't been hard, as he had run into her on the way to her common room. The hard part had been convincing her to be with him again. They had a history from Fourth Year, when they'd spent a Hogsmeade weekend snogging each other senseless, but afterward, he'd done his thing and went on with someone else, same as always.

"Come on Heather!" He begged. "I'm sorry about Fourth Year, I was young and just starting to come into my own!"

"And now?" She asked. He looked away sheepishly, if not a bit guiltily.

"Well..." He trailed. "Alright to be honest, I would love a nice hot prefect bath, and your absolutely delectable so I thought maybe we could reconcile and combine the two." He said with an adorable grin that was unabashed and utterly charming. She looked at him with a slight glare, but it was studious, and she was smiling.

"Alright, but just a quick one, I've got Charms in thirty minutes." She said, but he was pulling her along by the time she said 'alright.' They hurried down the halls hand in hand, laughing all the way to the 2nd floor prefect bathroom.

* * *

Lily let out a long breathy sigh as she sank deep into the warm bubbly water, her muscles instantly relaxing if only a little. She took a minute to simply soak in the soothing water, her eyes closed, and her breathing heavy. After a few minutes she decided to take out one of the books she'd been reading recently. When she turned around to grab her new_ A History of Wizarding Arts_, a text she'd recently borrowed from the library, when she realized she had left her bag in the changing area. Quickly wrapping herself in one of the provided fluffy towels, she walked purposefully towards the changing rooms.

* * *

Sirius and Heather laughed as they made the last turn towards the bathroom a bit sloppily having been kissing a bit at the same time as running. When they approached the door they were still lightly giggling and snickering, and of course kissing. Heather quickly whispered the password and they made their way inside quickly, undressing hastily as they entered. They were attached at the mouth for what seemed like only seconds, when he felt his under shirt being tugged at. He began to kiss roughly down Heather's neck, and when he heard a soft gasp, he smirked.

"Like that?" He purred into her hair. He heard someone clear their throat, but the noise was forced and weak. His eyes snapped oped and he turned away from the girl he was kissing, to see the girl he wished he was kissing. And so help him he was a right bastard, because in that moment, even with another girl still in his arms, seeing Lily Evans in only a fluffy red towel he could no longer deny he wanted to kiss her. Sirius Black wanted to kiss Lily Evans. Sirius Black wanted to touch Lily Evans. Sirius Black wanted to blow a hole through his head just then.

"Lily!" He suddenly burst after what felt like the longest silence of his life.

"Oh, uh, right, Bla-er, Sirius, um, yes I had wanted to speak with you...Not like this! But um, you know, I had wanted to..." She stumbled all over her words, looking down at her hands, which she twiddled slightly. He face was quickly growing red she knew, but she had to look up.

"I wanted to apologize for earlier. It was rude and I'm sorry. You were only concerned and trying to be a good House mate, so I'm sorry." She smiled at the two of them. Sirius's heart nearly shattered. A House mate? Dear Godric he had fucked up. He wanted to shake her and tell her he was the one who she be sorry! He wanted her to slap him. He wanted her to yell at him. Where was that Lily?

"Oh, and, um I'm sorry for interrupting just now. I'll, um, just get out of your way then. I uh, just need my bag, it's er right behind you there." She pointed from the elbow nervously. He flinched ever so slightly at those words, and his previously growing erection died right then. Thank goodness someone had some sense.

"Oh, no we're sorry!" Heather insisted profusely, her face going nearly as red as Lily's. "I can't believe we didn't notice someone else' things here already! We'll just be going, I'm so sorry Lily!" Heather roughly tugged on Sirius's arm, and rushed them out of the prefects bathroom hastily. The whole time Sirius felt like a ghost, just sort of floating (and stumbling) in a liquid state. His stomach was doing flips and tying itself into knots at the same time. He felt utterly and thoroughly Slytherin and couldn't help but think of his early thoughts. _Some Gryffindor I am._ He thought miserably as he made his way up the boys dormitory staircase.

* * *

Lily felt numb for the rest of the day, simply drifting through classes, raising her hand and answering, getting all her work done in a timely and organized manner. But it wasn't her. It was auto-Lily. She was just going through the motions of her life, but inside, she had been stirred. She didn't know how she felt, all she knew was the dull ache in her chest. She couldn't explain it. Oh who was she kidding, of course she could. She was disappointed in herself. She was disappointed in her cowardice, and her utterly pathetic confrontation in the prefects bathroom.

By the end of the day when she made her way up to bed, she realized two things that made her stomach turn. Sirius wasn't in any classes after lunch. She cared and noticed that Sirius wasn't in class. In her state of numbness, that's what she had noticed. She was focusing on someone she hadn't ever liked and usually ignored. She felt so rotten for letting it all bother her. It was so petty and Slytherin. But even as she tried again to shake the thoughts of the days events off her, she just couldn't. _Some Gryffindor I am_. She thought bitterly, before falling fitfully to sleep.

* * *

**I am so proud of myself! 3195 words~ I hope this chapter wasn't TOO dramatic...I also hope it is taken well! Please review!  
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	3. Chapter 3

**I don't understand how people can have so many stories and keep track! I have 18 stories, though some are completed, and I can't remember which ones need updating, and sometimes I forget that I have stories, well not forget, but somehow I just don't realize I'm not updating it...Anyway, I recently wrote another triangle story, so I recalled that I wasn't working on this! So here it is.**

**Chapter 3: Shapes and Sizes  
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* * *

Sirius was acting strange again, and James couldn't stop worrying. What was wrong? Was it something at home? The war was growing, sides were being chosen, and not always the right ones... James was scared. But nothing had happened yet, and when it did, he was going to be ready. He was going to be a hero, a brilliant auror like his dad, and he was going to protect the Wizarding World with his life. Starting with the people he loved most.

"Sirius? Please talk to me." James pleaded when the two were finally alone in their dorm room.

"I don't want to talk right now Prongs, I'm tired." Sirius whispered. James looked frustrated as he clenched his fists and closed his eyes.

"You're not tired, your body just hasn't been active in days! What's wrong? Please tell me, I want to help." He pleaded, tears nearly rising in his eyes. Sirius groaned, but rolled over non the less.

"Look, I'm getting up, okay? I'll go for a fly, or a run even! Can we drop this now? Come on James, you're near tears, just let it go." Sirius said affectionately as he rose to stand before James' quivering form. He gently law a hand on James' shoulder, a comforting gesture that only angered James.

"Am not!" He yelled, smacking the hand away. "Stop patronizing me! Can't you see I care about you? I'm just as brave, just as old, I can handle whatever it is that's bothering you! But-" He sighed, and it sounded defeated. "I can't handle you closing off to me." He mumbled to his shoes. "I'm not yet brave enough to lose a friend." He said.

This time the defeated sigh came from Sirius. "I'm sorry I've been so distant, it's just-" Sirius broke off, nibbling his lip in contemplation. Did he want to tell James all of his problems. He looked at his friend briefly. How could he burden such a sweet, innocent, honest to Godric Gryffindor, with his sickly Slytherin sins? How could he tell a boy with watery doe eyes that demanded comfort, that his best friend was filled with an inner sickness? He couldn't. He wouldn't.

Instead, he pulled the shorter boy into his arms in a hug. James couldn't describe his feelings over the intimate gesture, nor could he explain his actions. His hands moved on instinct and grabbed Sirius' shirt, pulling him as close as possible. He didn't want to let the tears out, but he did.

"Oh Jamie, please don't cry." Sirius said softly.

"I'm not crying!" James whined, but it was muffled by Sirius' shirt. "It's not cowardly to cry you know!" He said angrily. "It's just expressing your feelings." He mumbled.

"I know." Sirius whispered. "I just don't like to see you cry." He lifted his head to rest it on James' own. "Hurts too much." He mumbled.

"Padfoot." James whispered, Sirius winced, it sounded pleading. "You're my best friend. I care about you a lot, and...It...Pains me, to see you so obviously miserable. Please tell me what's wrong, let me help. I can't bare to see you this way." With as much courage as he possessed, James looked straight up, catching Sirius' eye with a strong, unwavering gaze. "Please, I lo-"

"It's too many things!" Sirius blurted, then he sighed in defeat, and lowered his voice to a softer tone. "There's too much to explain, too many complications." He groaned as he fell back onto his bed, covering his faces with his hands. James bit his lip, and tentatively sat down next to Sirius, letting a shy hand rest on his knee.

"I'm not a Gryffindor for nothing, you know." He joked, but it was too serious to be funny.

"I know. Trust me, I know." Sirius said looking seriously into James' eyes. "It's not you who isn't Gryffindor, not by a long shot." Sirius took a deep breath and let out a sigh. "It's me." He said defeated. James' eyes were suddenly saucers.

"Don't be stupid! You're the most Gryffindorish Gryffindor there is!" James insisted.

"Please don't say that. Not before I tell you everything." Sirius said on a wince.

"Everything?" James whispered.

"There's a lot to tell." Sirius nodded. He took a deep breath, cast a few muffling spells, and then poured his heart out to James. "I guess I should start with the big stuff." He began slowly. "Things like my family situation, if you can call it that." James looked confused, and Sirius wished not for the first time, that his friend wasn't so damn noble. "Look, James, you know my family's not like yours, right?" James nodded slowly. "Well, it's gotten worse, much worse." James' eyes grew wide. He'd known since First Year that Sirius' parents hit him and his brother. It had been after Christmas Holiday, Sirius had come back looking sickly and pale, and when they were changing for bed one night, James saw the large bruises on his friend's back. "Ever since Summer Hols they've been using...Darker means." He tried to suffice, but the look on James' face said he wanted details. Sirius sighed and looked down at his fiddling hands. "I've been Crucio'd a few times now." James' eyes grew wide with shock, and were growing into pity, and it made Sirius feel the need to quench the worry of his friend. "It's not that bad!" He insisted.

"Not that bad?" James shrieked.

"Not as bad as the reason." Sirius mumbled. He took a deep breath and sighed before continuing. "They want me to take the mark soon."

"You can't!" James cried.

"I know that!" Sirius yelled back. He groaned and covered his eyes with his hands. "But I don't know what they'll do next." He whispered.

"What more could they do?" James asked, but he wasn't sure he wanted the answer.

"I think they're using Legilimency." Sirius answered. "I think that's why the Crucios started. It was bad enough I got sorted into Gryffindor, but I think they know something else, something that's made them more angry than usual."

"What is it?" James asked mystified. Sirius looked at James for a long time. Should he tell him? Was now the right time? Now, when they still had a whole year ahead of them, and a whole year after that?

"I don't want to talk about it." Sirius secluded once more.

* * *

Sirius avoided James for the rest of that week. He blamed it on girls, and on rare occasions, school work, but James wasn't fooled. Lily on the other hand was strangely content to see Sirius back to normal, or what she believed to be normal. It wasn't until one night on prefect duties that her contented numbness was shattered.

She was walking up and down the corridors on the fourth floor, checking class rooms, and a few secret passage ways that she knew of. It was late, maybe an hour past curfew, and she had been doing her rounds without so much as a crack from the house elves. It wasn't until she turned the corner heading towards the library, that she heard it. That faint grunting sound. Heaving a great sigh she made her way towards the library doors. The minute she opened the doors, the noises grew much loader, and she could sense two distinct tones.

"Oh...Si-Siri!" One voice panted, before there was a squelching sound.

"Quiet down Rem, wouldn't want any of your perfect prefect pals to find us." Such a familiar voice...Lily turned the corner of a few bookcases, and gasped audibly at the sight before her.

Sirius' head snapped up from Remus' neck and his eyes grew wide. Remus' eyes were heavy, and lust filled, and he was panting in labored breaths, but he turned slowly towards Lily non the less.

Sirius had a hand up Remus' shirt, and was obviously torturing his nipple playfully. His mouth had been attached to Remus' neck, and there was now a large purple spot beginning to form. Lily didn't want to look, but she couldn't help but glance down at Sirius' other hand, which lay snugly in Remus' trousers which were unbuttoned and pulled down slightly. She couldn't see much more of Remus, though she noted his hands in Sirius' hair. Remus continued to pant erratically, but Sirius quickly came to his senses, pulling his hands off of Remus and moving to stand in front of the blushing boy he had been fondling.

"Lily! What are you doing here?" He asked, Lily blushed a bit and looked him up and down. His hair was tousled, and she thought it looked sexier than usual. His shirt was undone, and his chest was beautiful she noted unwillingly. Though it was clearly fading, there was still a bulge in his pants. Her eyes snapped back to his quickly, and she felt her ire roar back to life, despite it's quiet behavior the past few weeks.

"What am I doing here? I'm patrolling you heathen! You are the one having sexual relations in the library!" She shrieked, hissing the words "sexual relations". She looked behind him briefly to look at her fellow prefect, who was now attempting to compose himself, despite the blush that rested adorably on his cheeks. She snapped back to Sirius looking accusatory. "And since when are you into men?" She asked with a raised brow. He grit his teeth and glared at her.

"It's complicated." He growled. He kept her eye contact, but he spoke to Remus next. "Rem?" He called.

"U-Um...Y-yes?" He asked hesitantly, trying to hide himself as much as possible from Lily.

"I want you to go back to the dorm."

"But-"

"Now." He said more firmly. Remus cast a nervous glance at Lily, but left as quickly as possible. When he was gone Lily opened her mouth to ask more questions, and possible deduct house points, but Sirius cut her off.

"It's not what you think." He started slowly. She scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"I sure hope it was what it looked like, otherwise I'll have to report you for forcing yourself on a student." She said snidely. Sirius grew frustrated.

"Why do you have to be that way?" He asked rudely. "Can't you see this is frustrating, and hard to talk about?" He bit out.

"Well, I'm a prefect and I have t-" She started defending herself with a huff.

"No you don't. Remus is a prefect and he's never snide or rude to anyone."

"Well obviously Remus doesn't follow the rules as well as the rest of us, excluding Heather of course, as you've already muddled her up too." She accused.

"Look, just give me detention and let's end this." He glared at her.

"No, I want to know what's going on." She said childishly.

"It's non of your business, Evans! Or are you just trying to be a good House mate?" He sneered at her.

"Does James know?" She asked casually. Sirius ran cold. She had completely thrown him through a loop, a loop of fire. "I thought not." She said with a cold smile.

Sirius smirked. "I guess both of us are lacking in Gryffindor qualities these days." He remarked with near fondness.

"Does he?" She asked again, not letting his insult effect her, though she couldn't deny the pang of guilt at the observation.

"No." Sirius said with no emotion what so ever.

"Curious." She said.

"You wont tell him Evans." Sirius stated, but it was a threat, and she knew it.

"I can do whatever I like." She said petulantly.

"There it is again." He said with a look of surprised wonderment.

"What?" She said looking over her shoulder.

"Your Slytherin is showing." He grinned. "Best cover that up love." Lily turned red in anger.

"Oh shut up Sirius Black! As if you have the right to call me Slytherin! You're a Pureblood slut who hides things from his friends, so what does that make you?" She hissed.

"At least I have friends." He blurted before he could think it through, he wanted to stop as her eyes grew wide in embarrassment and outrage, but his mouth kept going, his anger at her threat to tell James fueling his hurtful words. "But it's just as well, who wants to be friends with a _Muggle-Born_ with blood prejudice problems? You're like a social anomaly." He smirked. Lily gasped as he spoke her worst fear to her face. This time she did slap him.

"You're nothing but a-a slimy Death Eater in training! How dare you call yourself a Gryffindor!" She yelled, tears pouring out of her eyes. Sirius held his face, looking at the tiny girl standing before him with shock. "I hate you Sirius Black! I should tell James, just to punish you! It's not like you give a damn about detention or House points!" Her eyes grew mad with glee.

"Please." He begged, fear rising up, he reaching for a hand. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, please Lily, he-he can't know!" He begged. She shook him off, shaking her head back and forth. Finally she stilled and looked him in the eye. He couldn't quite place the look she was giving him, it wasn't joy, but it wasn't regret.

"Just tell me one thing." She said as she approached him slowly. "Do you love him?" She whispered in his ear. Sirius froze. He knew what she was asking. He knew she didn't mean Remus.

"I-I..." He couldn't answer, he couldn't say those words out loud to Lily, he could barely say them in his own head.

"I'll except that as a yes." She smirked.

"Don't tell him." He whispered, it was so pleading.

"I wont." She said, her ire dying in the face of her pity. There was a pregnant silence in which Sirius relaxed slightly, and Lily calmed to the point of logical thinking.

"You never answered my question." She blurted suddenly.

"I thought you figured it out yourself." He sneered.

"No, not that. Since when are you into men?" She asked, confusion written all over her face. Sirius let out an audible sigh that made Lily feel a bit guilty for her inquiry.

"I don't know. I guess always, but maybe that's not quite right..." He looked thoughtful. "I guess I knew after first year that I loved James, but I thought it was more of brotherly love." He said as he crossed the room, sitting heavily onto one of the chairs surrounding a study table. "It's only been the last year that I started fooling around with blokes. I used to think that the only guy I could ever be attracted to was James. My hormones quickly told me otherwise, and now I know that it's just the same as I feel when I like a girl I can't have. I do...feel for him that is...but, I could never tell him. But I guess you're right, I am a slut, because I still sleep around with other blokes."

"So..." Lily dragged the word out slowly as she took the seat across from him. "You're bisexual?" She asked with a quizzical look.

"Yeah." He said, not meeting her gaze.

"And you're in love with James?" She asked again. He growled lightly under his breath.

"Yes." He ground out.

"He cares about you too. He would except you no matter what." She observed. Sirius' thoughts briefly went out to Remus, before he answered Lily.

"He loves you. Did you know that?" Sirius snapped. "Never shuts up about you. Wants nothing more than to marry you and have a 'beautiful red haired green eyed baby that looks just like Lily-pad with all of our mischievousness.' Talks about it all the time. We're barely sixteen, but he knows how he feels, knows what he wants. Where do I fit into that? Best man at the wedding, Godfather to your child?" He asked rhetorically. When he spoke again he sounded defeated. "Why would I tell him how I feel, when I'm being so selfish already? I may be Slytherin made, but he makes me want to be a better Gryffindor, a better person. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I wont betray his trust and devotion as my friend by tainting it with my own selfish needs. I want him to be happy, he deserves happy at the very least." He sighed.

"I don't like James though." Lily stated bluntly, her expression one of a simpleton.

"Why not?" Sirius yelled, standing abruptly. "He's done everything to woo you, he cares for no one more than you!" Lily thought his words sounded bitter. "How can you sit there after everything I've said, after everything he's done, and not feel anything for him? You are a coward Lily Evans!" He screamed at her. Lily rose from her chair and glared murderously at Sirius.

"I am not a coward! I can like whoever I like, and you can't change my mind out of guilt!" She retorted. He scoffed.

"What has he done to turn you away then? Complimented you daily? Asked you to be his? Watched you dreamily from across the room? Defended you at every corner? Or maybe it's the fact that he was so consistently overflowing with jealousy and worry that you would choose Snivellous over him, that he never stopped telling you how he felt? I may be selfish, but you're just as bad." He hissed, venom dripping from his words.

"You're right." She whispered.

"Wha-?" But he was cut off.

He tried to pull away, but he knew he didn't want to. Lily's lips tasted like sugar quills and strawberries, and suddenly every other flavor in the world seemed awful. She was soft as silk, but as he wrapped his arms around her, he knew she wasn't too delicate, and wild thoughts of rough play in the bedroom ran through his mind. It wasn't until one of those thoughts included James, that he forced her away.

He wiped his mouth quickly on his sleeve, desperate to be rid of the evidence of his despicable act. "You can't do that!" He screamed, causing Lily to flinch, and take a step back. "You can't just-just do that! How can you possibly even want to...I mean I'm-I'm everything you said...And James...And-and..." He couldn't think straight, couldn't focus.

"I'm sorry." Lily whispered dejectedly. Sirius ran a hand over his face and let out a sigh. He didn't want Lily to be sad, but he couldn't take his best mate's girl.

_She's not his_. A voice in the back of his head whispered. _She wants you._ He shook that voice off. "No, I'm sorry." He insisted. She raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"What do you have to be sorry for?" She asked skeptically.

"I don't know! For liking it! For-for responding! For making you think...whatever it is you're thinking!" He paused to take a deep breath, but he let it out on a sigh. "Look, Lily. I can't do that to James, and you know it. It's not you. Gods it's not you." He groaned. "It's just the situation. It's too complicated. We could never be together. Everyone would hate us. I can live with James not feeling the same way about me as I do him, but there's no way I can have him hate me. He's everything that matters to me wrapped up into a totally adorable doof, and he deserves everything I can give him, and more. There's no way I can take something so important from him." He sighed, looking at his shoes, wishing he didn't have to have this conversation. He felt like he was being tested by Gryffindor himself.

"I-I understand." She whispered quietly. Before more words could be said she had turned around and was sprinting out of the library, her rounds forgotten.

* * *

Sirius stopped ignoring James after that. Everything was back to normal, nothing was amiss, everyone was just fine. On the outside at least.

"Siri?" Sirius' eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "Are you awake?"

"James?" He whispered back.

"I-I couldn't sleep." James replied in a soft whisper.

"Oh." Was all Sirius could say.

"I was...wondering." He paused.

"Yeah?" Sirius responded, his tone was one mixed with fear and hope equally.

"D-do you want to...That is to say...If you want to...You can live with me y-you know." He stuttered out, and Sirius just knew he was blushing. Sirius let out a light chuckle.

"Don't worry about me James, I'll be fine."

"But what if you're not?" James whined.

"I will be." Sirius said seriously.

"Still, if you ever need to..." James trailed, before rolling over and falling asleep.

Sirius tried to do the same, but he couldn't stop thinking about James' offer.

* * *

Lily had been thinking more and sleeping less. October faded into November with nothing but studying to distract her wandering mind. Every night when she closed her eyes she was plagued with images of Sirius and Remus, or Sirius and Heather, and on rare occasions Sirius and James; each time she'd wake in a sweat, with an itch that she couldn't scratch all over her skin. So she studied late and woke up early, trying desperately to bloke her perverse thoughts.

"You look exhausted." Alice commented one day in the library. "Have you been getting enough sleep?" She sounded concerned, and Lily felt bad for lying, but she couldn't admit to her shame.

"Oh, yeah. I've just been really dreading end of term exams, plus it seems like Christmas is taking _forever_ this year." She said with a joking roll of her eyes. The continued to study, occasionally gossiping about the upcoming holiday.

Across the room a lone Slytherin eyed the red head with suspicion and concern. He knew her. He knew something was amiss.

* * *

That night Severus waited outside the Gryffindor common room for Lily to come up for dinner. He waited for a few hours, ignoring the other students who passed through the portrait hole. At last Lily came scampering up the steps, a smile that didn't reach her eyes, lightly dusting her face.

Any attempt at smiling and looking friendly that Lily had been holding all day vanished the moment she saw Snape sitting by the portrait hole.

"What do you want?" She asked coldly.

"I want to know what's going on with you." He said seriously, a slight plea in his voice.

"Nothing, I'm fine." She replied indifferently.

"Don't give me that. We have to stop this Lily! I said I was sorry! I can't say it enough-"

"No you can't." Lily replied, moving to step around him. He put his arms out, blocking her path.

"I mean it Lils. I can't watch from a far when something is clearly going on!" He looked at her with open eyes, but Lily wouldn't meet his gaze. "You're my best friend, we can't throw it all away just because I-"

"You called me a Mudblood Severus." She said quietly. "You told me I was special all those years ago. You told me blood didn't matter. You're half blood, aren't you?" She took a deep breath before continuing. "You humiliated me in front of everyone. In front of the idiots we used to hate together. How can you think I could ever forgive you?" She asked bitterly.

Severus dropped his head and turned away. "You're right." He whispered. "I'm sorry I bothered you again." He didn't give her a chance to reply, he simply left without another word.

Lily managed to sleep that night, and the night after; however, through out the rest of the week she could feel his eyes on her. Watching her, studying her, checking on her. She felt angry. He didn't have the right to feel concerned for her any more.

* * *

It was a mid November morning, when the first snow fell. Classes were let out after lunch, and everyone was playing outside, enjoying the endless white fun.

Severus sat on a bench, watching the merriment of others and reminiscing about times when he had played in the snow with Lily. Evans. Mudblood... He didn't want to say it. The word stained is mouth. She had never cared before, about that word. His house mates often called out to her in the corridors, and she knew he had called a few students the cruel slur. Still, he knew he had broken them with that careless word. His embarrassment, his jealousy had driven him into anger. And now he was alone, awaiting recruitment, and dreading every ticking second. Life was always too complicated. Never simple. If it were him and Lily would be together, and they would run from all the on growing terror. But they weren't, and they never would be.

"Potter." He spoke clearly as James passed him.

"What do you want, Snivellus?" Sirius said hotly.

"I need to speak with Potter. Alone." He emphasized with a glare at Sirius, who met his stare with a suspicious squint of his own.

"It's okay Sirius, really, I'm fine." He said seriously, before a smile upturned his mouth. "Besides, you know I can take this sod by myself." He joked with a wink. Severus rolled his eyes, but said nothing. He waited a few minutes, until he was certain Black was out of ear shot.

"What do you want Snape?" James asked coolly, all playful nature gone from his being.

"It's about Lily." Snape started, and saw James grow tense. "I really miss her-"

"Well that's not my problem." James growled. Severus glared at his jealous display.

"If you would let me finish,_ Potter_." He spat. "I miss her, but it's clear we wont be friends for a very long time, if ever. I'm worried about her. She seems off lately. None of her other friends notice, obviously." He rolled his eyes as he thought of the giddy Gryffindor girls Lily had been hanging about with as of late. "I don't want her to keep carrying it around with her, it's an obvious weight. I-I don't want to come to you but." He hesitated and bit his lip. "I can't think of anyone else who cares about her as much as you seem to, begrudging as I am to admit it." Severus locked eyes with James the whole time, and it was clear that the other boy understood.

"Okay." He said evenly, briefly meeting Severus' eyes, before turning on his heel, and running back to his friends. Severus spent the rest of the day in the dungeons.

* * *

**I think I will end it there. It's 4,800 words, but I think it's a good place to stop, so I will. The next chapter will be better I hope...I feel like this chapter was sort of all over the place...Please review :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**I decided to start right away, so here is the next chapter.**

**Chapter 4: Stand on Shaky Ground  
**

* * *

Lily hadn't been spotted any where except the library, and the Great Hall. Her roommates claimed her bed was unmade some mornings, and the bathroom was usually already moist when they entered, so they assumed she came at night and left early, too busy with studying and prefect duties. James knew better. He could see the confusion, the pain, the guilt. It all rested in her eyes. Her usual spark was gone, dulled by something he couldn't place. He wanted to help. He desperately wanted to save her.

"Lily?" He said hesitantly one day as they left the classroom of the last class of the day. "Can I talk to you please?" He didn't know what he expected, but he certainly didn't expect her to burst into tears and run away. "Lily! Lily, wait!" He yelled chasing after her.

When he caught up to her, he grabbed her wrist, pulling her to an abrupt stop. She tried to shake him off, but it was in vane. "Lily, please stop, I just want to talk." He said soothingly, but she just kept crying. "Lily, please, tell me what's wrong, I'm worried about you." He said softly.

"I-I'm sorry." She sobbed.

"Lily! You don't have anything to be sorry for! You always run away when I try to talk to you." He said with a weak grin, but his attempt to lighten the mood did nothing, and he felt at a loss. "Please tell me what's wrong." He whispered as he pulled her into a hug. One hand buried in her hair, the other around her waist, pulling her close to his chest, close to his heart, where she belonged.

"I ca-can't" She whimpered.

"Why not? Is someone forcing you to keep quiet, because I swear to Godric I will kill them with Sirius's beaters bat, and he will help." He said firmly.

"You'd hate me if I told you." She said weakly.

"Never." He said confidently.

"You'd hate him." She said softly, and there was genuine pity in her voice.

"What do you mean?" James said, worry in his voice. "Did-? Lily, if someone attacked you, you need to tell me right now, and then we need to tell a teacher." He said angrily, yet calmly. "That kind of attack is unacceptable, and unforgivable." He growled.

"I like Sirius!" Lily cried. James's heart shattered.

"Yo-you what?" He asked brokenly, shock and awe setting on his face, contorting the anger from seconds ago into hurt.

"I like him, I can't help it! He drives me mad, and when I kissed him in the library-" It all just came out, and relief mixed in with the guilt that had been plaguing her for weeks.

"You kissed?" James spoke, but it was closer to a whimper.

"No!" Lily insisted. "I kissed him, he pushed me away." She said dejectedly, but soothingly.

"Him? Yo-you like him?" James asked in completely confused shock.

"I'm sorry." She whispered.

"It-it's okay, you have nothing to be sorry for." James said with a weak smile, trying to regain his barrings, searching desperately for his Gryffindor courage.

"Yes I do!" She screamed. "I am a bad person James Potter! I've shunned you all these years, even though you've been unwavering, and so sweet." James flinched at a few memories of her rougher turn downs. "I tell you I could never be with someone like you, and what have I gone and done? Fallen for your best friend! You deserve so much better James! So much better than me. I'm worthless. I'm a selfish, worthless, conceded mud-"

"Don't you ever say that word!" James fumed. "Lily, I don't want to say this to you, but shut up!" Lily squeaked, but did as he said. James's eyes softened, and he somehow looked older when he looked at her again with so much love in his eyes. "Lily, you're the most beautiful, amazing, brilliant, perfect, imperfect, special girl I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. If anything _you_ deserve better than _me._ Lily, as the year has progressed, I've worried that maybe you wouldn't choose me in the end, and I came to terms with the fact that you deserve the very, very best of the best, and perhaps that's not me. I want you to be happy, and I can't bare to see you like this; sad, confused, _guilty_, all the time, it's killing me. If-" He took a deep breath. "If Sirius makes you happy, and you both want to be together, I shouldn't be a factor. As desperately as I want to be selfish, and as desperately as I want to be a factor in your happiness, I don't want to be the factor that prevents it." He finished looking her right in the eye.

"James?" Lily asked, her voice much stronger than before.

"Yes?" He asked, his eyes gaining their sparkle.

"I'm going to kiss you now."

"Wha-?"

Lily's lip crashed on his in a rough attack that he was not expecting. Even though she had to pull on his shirt to bring him down, she was still on her tippy toes, but somehow she was in complete control. James sighed into the kiss, forgetting everything else except the sweet girl in his arms. He kissed her back with equal passion, but it wasn't rough like her's, it was loving, lustful. And though he wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment forever, he suddenly came back to himself, and realized that this was his first kiss with Lily, and it was tainted by the salt from her previous tears, and her confession about his friend.

"Lily, wait." He said pulling away, holding her by the shoulders firmly. "This..." He searched for words as he looked into her dazzling eyes. "This isn't right. You like him, and I-I can't be compensation. I love you, Gods I love you, but I can't have you and lose you, it'll kill me." He said earnestly, pleading with his eyes for her to understand.

"I-I understand." She said weakly, tears welling in her eyes.

"Please don't cry Lils, I'm begging you. Because if you cry, I can't say no, and I'm afraid I'll do something we'll both regret." He said. Lily composed herself, wiped her eyes, shook the moment off of her, and stepped out of his arms. James wanted her back there, but he knew the loss was smaller than if she stayed.

"You're right." She said firmly, collecting herself into the proud Gryffindor lioness she always was. "I'm sorry about that, I really needed a shoulder, so thank you." She said, but James couldn't place her emotion. "You're a really great friend James Potter, and I hope we can be friends in the near future." She smiled at him, and suddenly everything was okay again.

"Anything you want darling." He said with his usual bright smile. Lily nodded once and then turned around and left, sending a wave and a smile over her shoulder. Before she was out of hearing range, James called out to her one last time.

"I meant what I said, be happy Lily!" He yelled, even though it felt like throwing his own heart down the hall way.

* * *

"James, what's wrong? You've been avoiding me all day!" Sirius complained when he noticed James wolfing down his dinner, and avoiding eye contact. "You came into the dorm all weird last night, saying it was nothing and then smiling like a loon, and now you're avoiding me!" He said irritatedly.

"I'm not, really, I'm fine, everything's fine." James said in a voice that clearly stated that he wasn't fine. His voice was high and squeaky and all around unnatural.

"Then what is with that voice?" Sirius exclaimed.

"What voice? Nothing is wrong with my voice, because nothing is wrong. See you later, I'm all finished." He said hurriedly as he got up to leave. James rushed out of the Great Hall, zooming towards a secret passage so as not to be found. Before he got there however, another body tackled him.

"Damn it Prongs!" Sirius exclaimed flipping James over so that he was straddling him and looking him in the eye. "What's going on?" He demanded.

"Noth-"

"And don't say nothing, because I'm your best mate and I know it's not nothing!" He said again, but there was more worry and a lot less harshness. His eyes pleaded for James to talk to him.

"Really Padfoot, it's no big deal." James whispered, looking away from Sirius's earnest and desperate eyes.

"Is it about...what I told you?" Sirius asked nervously. Did Jame not want to be his friend any more? Was he afraid he would take the mark? James's head snapped up.

"Of course not! Sirius, I trust you with my life, I lo-"

"Then why wont you talk to me?" Sirius interrupted. He couldn't hear James say those words to him. James looked away again.

"I don't want to talk about it." James mumbled.

"Well I can't take it any more! You're worrying me James." Sirius's voice was angry, but filled with worry.

"You don't have to talk about it!" James lashed back, fury in his eyes as they met Sirius's. "Isn't that what you told me all those weeks ago? You opened up for a second, but when I wanted to help, you rejected me! When I wanted to know what they had on you so I could protect you, you said, 'I don't want to talk about it.'" James said in a mock of Sirius's voice. "Isn't that right, Mr. Secrets?" James asked, a bite in his voice.

"What are you talking about, Mr. Secrets? What is going on?" Sirius looked completely gobsmacked.

"I talked to Lily yesterday okay?" James yelled, but it came out choked. Sirius slumped.

"James, please, please, I'm sorry, I should have told you, don't hate me, please don't hate me." Sirius cried. James looked surprised.

"I don't hate you, she's brilliant, and beautiful, and I'm happy that you both have found happiness, especially in these shite times." James said staring at the ceiling. "I love you both so much, and the last thing I want is for you two to be unhappy." He mumbled.

"What? What are you saying? I'm not with her! She kissed me, I pushed her away! I'm your best mate." Sirius said reassuringly, but his last statement was weak, as if it might not be true much longer.

"I know, that's why I want you to be happy with her." James said in a simple way as if it were obvious. "She likes you, and if she likes you and you like her, you should be together, I don't want my feelings to get in the way of that." He said seriously.

"What about my feeling?" Sirius exclaimed.

"Are you saying you don't like her?" James asked nearly smirking.

"I..." Sirius couldn't answer. "I do like her." He confessed eventually. "But I love you." He said tenderly. Sirius didn't know what gave him the courage to say the words aloud to James, maybe it was the fear of more distance between them, maybe it was the fact that keeping secrets had landed him in the very place he was in at that moment. He couldn't keep James in the dark. Clearly James only knew half of the story.

"James?" Sirius started hesitantly. "I want to tell you something." He continued. "But not here, it needs to be in private." He mumbled looking at his fiddling hands.

"Well, I can't exactly move if you're on top of me." James said attempting humor, but it only made Sirius blush. He climbed off of James and took a few steps back.

"Come on, let's go to the kitchens, it's always easier to talk over a warm butter beer." James said softly, but he didn't look at Sirius. Sirius nodded unnecessarily, and followed James in silence to the entrance of the kitchens.

No one spoke until they were seated at a small table in the back, butter beers in hand, each with a different expression. Sirius looked guilty and nervous, swirling his drink uncomfortably and fidgeting without making a sound. James looked contemplative, patient, simply waiting for Sirius's next move.

"I-" He began, but stopped, rethinking his words. "It's hard to talk about." He supplied, but James's eyes said they would be talking about it any way. Sirius sighed audibly, laying his head back to look at the ceiling, unable to meet James's eyes. "I'm in love with you." He finally confessed. He spoke simply, but his words had an underlying feel of defeat and sadness. James's eyes grew impossibly wide, but Sirius wasn't watching him. He was thinking about all the times they had all been together, about how strong of a unit he had just broken.

"It's funny, isn't it?" He said, still not looking in James's direction. He smiled, but the humor was sad. He turned up to meet James's shocked stare. "I'm in love with you, you're in love with Lily, and Lily likes me. It's a cycle of unrequited crap." He sat back once more, dropping the smile, trading it for a pensive look. "Maybe I wasn't meant for love." He said simply.

"Don't sa-" James interrupted hastily, but Sirius stopped him with a raised eyebrow and a questioning smirk.

"It's true though, isn't it? I don't deserve anyone, because I'll always need someone else, it's in my sick twisted nature." He said with a shrug, but the sentence was anything but nonchalant.

"I-I don't understand." James said, and the look on his adorable, boyish face, so filled with innocents made Sirius laugh. It was sad, but there was some humor in it.

"No, I don't suppose you would." Sirius said with a small smile. "Not you. You're too good, too pure. All you want is Lily, all you've ever wanted is Lily, and your sexuality being what it is, you would never want anything more. You're not selfish James, you're good." Sirius said with a smile. He reached his hand across the table to comfort James who looked hesitant and confused. Half way across the table, he thought better of it and pulled it back, realizing that things couldn't be like that any more. He could never pat James on the back after Quidditch, he couldn't rub his shoulders when he was tense from studying, he could never hug him when he cried... Suddenly Sirius realized what he had done to their friendship, and the room felt too small. His eyes burned with unshed tears, and his mouth felt too dry. He had to get out. He stood abruptly, startling James.

"I-I have to go." Sirius managed, a nervous guilt plaguing his face. He made to move around the table, stumbling slightly in his haste.

"Wh-what? No, we-we've barely discussed anything!" James whined.

"What's there to discuss? I'm bisexual, I'm in love with my best mate, and now there's a girl thrown in the mix, but she likes the wrong bloke! Not only that, but are we even best mates now?"

"Of course we-"

"Oh come on James." Sirius said with a roll of his eyes. "Do you really think we can still be friends? You can barely look me in the eye! Nothing's going to be the same! How are you going to feel every time I walk in while you're changing? Or when we talk late at night? I fucked it up, alright?" Sirius said angrily, his voice firm and serious.

"But, but, I lo-"

"Stop saying that!" Sirius barked taking a step towards James. "How can you possibly still say those words?" He hissed. James eyes brimmed with tears.

"You never let me say them any way!" He yelled petulantly, standing as well, refusing to be intimidated. "You never except my feelings, because you're too afraid of your own! Well I'm not afraid, Sirius Black!" He said with confidence infused with anger.

"Of course you're not! You have nothing to be afraid of!" Sirius exclaimed in frustration.

"What are you saying? Of course I'm afraid! I'm afraid of losing my best friend in the entire world! I'm afraid of you not being happy! I'm afraid that if I don't say those words every day, then they won't be said, and we'll all die one day, and you'll never know how loved you are!" Sirius was taken aback. He suddenly felt ashamed of his cowardice.

"I-I'm sorry." He said, and without thinking drew James into a hug. Realizing his error, he tried to pull back, but James had already encased him in his own arms.

"Nothing has to change." James mumbled into his shoulder. Sirius's eyes widened and grew watery, but instead of crying, he simply pulled Jame closer to himself, pressing their bodies together in a gentle, but firm embrace. They stayed that way for Merlin knows how long, before James pulled back slightly, smiling up at Sirius who returned the look weakly. He wanted so desperately to believe James, but he knew things had changed. They separated, and James took his seat again, and Sirius realized the discussion wasn't over. Sirius let out a sigh, but it was a little bit amused. He took his seat and gave James a silly look, which made James smile.

"So, how long have you been bisexual?" James asked, jumping right in.

"Lily asked the same thing when she found out." Sirius said with a goofy smile, before he realized what he had said. "Er, I-"

"Lily knew before me?" James asked looking hurt.

"It wasn't my choice! She caught me in the library with-" Sirius cut himself off, he wouldn't rat out Remus ever again. "With a boy." He finished. James calmed down a bit, after all it wasn't as if his friend had chosen Lily over him to trust.

"So, since when?" James asked again.

"I'll tell you what I told her." Sirius answered with a shrug. "I guess I've always been bisexual, but I only started hooking up with blokes last year." He answered. Jame eyes grew doe like.

"A whole year? You've kept this a secret for an entire year?" He asked. Sirius cursed his sweet voice. "Wait..." James continued thoughtfully. "Is that what your parents are mad about?" James asked incredulously.

"Of course. I like a Muggle-Born, and I'm in love with a Blood Traitor. Add on that you're a bloke and you've got a recipe for pureblood supremacy to the max." Sirius said lightly.

"I never knew it was such a big deal to like blokes." James said innocently.

"If you can't produce an heir, what's the point?" Sirius said as explanation.

"Oh." Was all James could say to that.

"Do you have any more questions?" Sirius asked.

"Um, I guess..." James hesitated. "That is... What are your plans as far as Lily goes?" He asked, looking shyly into Sirius's eyes.

"I don't have any plans, you're my best mate, I like her, but even if I wasn't in love with you I wouldn't try anything." Sirius said as if the answer was obvious. He couldn't help the tiny smile that tugged on his lips. He could say the words any time now, it wouldn't make a difference. Sirius snapped back to the present when he saw the look of guilty sadness on James's face. "What is it?" Sirius asked with concern.

"It's just..." James began. "I really want her to be happy." He said.

"Then make her fall in love with you!" Sirius said.

"She won't fall for me, she's already fallen for you." James said looking Sirius in the eyes, pleading for help.

"What are you saying?" Sirius asked suspicion lacing his words and his face. James sighed in defeat.

"I want you to be with each other." He started. Sirius made to interrupt, but James raised a hand to silence him. "She deserves the best, Sirius. She deserves whatever makes her happy, and that's you, not me. It'll hurt for a long time, but...I can't keep letting my emotions control everything. She's been so crushed since you two kissed, she feels rejected and guilty, and it's killing me to watch it eat her up." He said, his eyes pleaded for Sirius to understand, but he was met by horror and sadness.

"I-I can't!" Sirius exclaimed abashed. "She knows I'm in love with you for starters, and besides that there's the fact that I'm a danger to her whole bloody race! Even associating with me is bad for her. I'm sure Bella or Regulus would tell my mum if I was with a Muggle-Born in a serious relationship, and of course that would end badly, very badly." He emphasized when James made to speak.

"Just run away!" James yelled. "It'd be best for everyone if you just came to live with me!"

"James, I know you want her to be happy, but I can't put your parents our like that, and after everything I've told you, I thought you would understand that I can't be with Lily anyway! It wouldn't be fair to her, not with me being the way I am."

"What does that have to do with anything?" James asked, but seeing the hurt look on Sirius's face he elaborated. "I mean, if you're bisexual, than you still like girls, so what should it matter." Sirius looked angry.

"How about the fact that I'm in love with you? Or that fact that one gender will never satisfy me, even if it is Lily." He fumed, though his voice softened when he said her name. James conceded with a sigh of utmost disappointment, tinged with a bit of regret.

"You're right, I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do!" James said, his voice sounding thwarted.

"It's not up to you." Sirius said, placing a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder. "All you can do is be a good friend. Show her your compassion, she'll need it. She's confused, give her time to figure out where she stands."

"Where does she stand?" James asked.

"Only time will tell I guess." Sirius said with a shrug. James looked at him pointedly, making Sirius sigh and roll his eyes. "I like her, but it can't amount to anything, so I guess she stand no where." He conceded.

"She kissed me when I told her you two could be together without worrying about me." James said with little emotion, though Sirius nearly fell out of his chair.

"She what?" He questioned in disbelieve. "Then why in Godric's name are we sitting here right now! You should be snogging in the common room as we speak!" Sirius rushed to get up, but James grabbed his arm as he tried to pass. "What's the matter with you?" Sirius asked with furrowed brows. "She's all you've ever wanted!" He exclaimed.

"I'm not everything she's ever wanted." James replied simply. Sirius looked guilty and crestfallen as he slowly sat back down.

"She'll come around soon mate, I swear." Sirius said comfortingly. "She's just going through that phase. You know, the one where she wants the mysterious bad bloke with a secret she knows, all the good girl go through it until they realize we'll never change." He said with a shrug. He smirked slyly. "And once they realize that we're not the right guy for them, they run into the arms of the guy they wanted all along." He said with a wink. James perked up, smiling. Things were getting back to normal, nothing had changed, it was just different circumstance.

"With a few grand gestures and pranks along the way." James added.

"Of course!" Sirius said jovially. They hugged after that, before making their way back to the dorm.

* * *

**Sooo... Did you like it? I worked really hard on it, but I get if you comment that it moved too fast...**


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